When bedding goes bad…
There are some things you wrestle with while staying in the African bush: a stubborn zipper on a tent flap, a monkey trying to steal your rusks or philosophical questions about the meaning of life while staring into a campfire.
What you don’t expect is to find yourself in a full-blown midnight brawl with bed linen. Yet there I was, in the middle of the night at a bush lodge, surrounded by a symphony of lion vocalisations and the occasional snorting hippo, while engaging in a silent but deeply personal war with my bedding.
As a result of a combination of excellent food and copious quantities of fresh air, sleep comes easily in the bush. Sometime around 2am, I woke up feeling like I was being slow-roasted in a down-filled oven. Disoriented and half asleep, I decided I needed to get rid of the duvet and just sleep under the cover, and this is where my troubles began. If you’ve never tried to remove a duvet from its cover in the dark, allow me to paint a picture: it’s like trying to pull a large octopus out of a bucket using only your elbows and optimism.
I grabbed one corner and tugged. Nothing. I rolled over, muttering encouragement to myself like a man diffusing a bomb. I tried to slide the duvet out, but the cover clung to it like a toddler to its mother on the first day of school. The more I pulled, the more twisted it became. I thrashed. I flailed. I performed movements that could only be described as interpretive dance meets advanced contortionist training.
At one point, I was certain the duvet was winning.
Mid-battle, I became tangled, properly cocooned, like being in a sleeping bag stitched shut by my own panic. My feet were out, but my arms were trapped. I considered calling for help, but realised that “Help, I’m trapped in my own linen!” might not carry the gravitas I’d like.
Eventually, with a final burst of frustration-fuelled adrenaline, I liberated myself and flung the entire duvet, still in its cover, onto the floor.
I lay back, triumphant, panting like I’d just completed a 5km trail run.
After the morning game drive, while seated at breakfast, I wondered if anyone had heard my nocturnal nonsense. Apparently not. But when I sheepishly shared my tale over a full English, both guests and the staff erupted with laughter. Someone suggested the lodge add ‘duvet disentanglement’ to the activity list, to be completed before going to bed.
And really, that’s the beauty of a lodge stay. It’s not just the wildlife encounters or the luxury setting that remain with you, it’s the unexpected moments that become stories.
Text | David Batzofin
Photography | Bigshot01
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