Men can play a powerful role in the lives of those around them, especially if they keep a check on how they’re behaving
A life that matters
The motivation to confront any wounds you carry is to understand that your life matters. It matters greatly. You are needed. You have a purpose and a destiny. You were created to be a gift to your loved ones and to the world.
When my daughter Blythe was just two and a half years old, doctors told us that she needed surgery to repair a small hole in one of the walls of her heart. When the time arrived for the procedure, she was understandably frightened. I asked the surgeon if I could accompany her into the theatre. He kindly agreed and allowed me to hold her as they placed the gas mask over her face and the anaesthetic took effect. After she fell asleep in my arms, I placed her gently on the operating table and left the theatre. The operation was a great success and I was at her side when she woke up. A month later, I had a group of people over for dinner at my house and one of my friends said to Blythe, “I believe you were in the hospital recently?” She replied, “Yes, my heart was broken,” and then, after a coy pause, she said proudly, “but my daddy fixed it!”
To say I was deeply moved is an understatement. I teared up and had to excuse myself to gather my composure. Blythe gave me the gift of seeing myself through her eyes that day. I was her hero, the man who had fixed her heart. And it struck me that, in many ways, I really did hold her heart in my hands – that the way I showed up in life and as her father would have a profound effect on her. I realised just how much my life mattered to her and because it mattered to her, it mattered, full stop. I had to become the best man I could be – for her, for my son, my wife and everyone else in my life. That was all the motivation I needed to begin confronting my inner wounds and demons. It was the catalyst for my journey towards wholeness.
Knowing how much you matter to your loved ones and how much they need you is a powerful reason to face anything that keeps you from being your best. Knowing that your life is unique and that you have something of real value to offer the world is another. Knowing that you are made in the image of God, of infinite value, is perhaps the most compelling reason of all.
Equipped for battle
We all have blind spots, aspects of ourselves that others can see clearly, but we remain unaware of. This applies to both the positive and the negative. We must acknowledge both our strengths and shortcomings and stop underestimating our value and the gifts we bring to the world. We must recognise our strengths, our many positive traits and how much we mean to others. At the same time, we have to be aware of the areas in which we are falling short and mindful of any habits or behaviours that might be harmful to ourselves or others.
One of the saddest things about a funeral service is that the person lying in the coffin never gets to hear all the beautiful things that are said about them. Most people go to their grave without hearing how loved and valued they were.
There are two important and effective ways to obtain an accurate understanding of ourselves. The first is introspection and the second is feedback.
Honest introspection means taking a clear and unflinching look at yourself. Ask yourself: Do I have any harmful habits that I am struggling to give up? Do I have emotions such as anger, sadness or anxiety that I find difficult to control? Am I failing to take responsibility in any area? Is my house in order? Are my finances under control? Are my health and relationships sound? Do I suffer from impostor syndrome – the fear that if people really knew me, they wouldn’t like or respect me?
Also, consider the positive: What am I truly good at? Do I give myself credit for the good I do?
These are all important questions to ask yourself to gain a clear and honest picture of who you are.
Receiving feedback from others is the next crucial step. Start becoming aware of the effect you have on those around you. How do you make people feel?
Once you start practising self-awareness, it becomes easy to develop yourself into the man you were meant to be. When you shave, you use a mirror to help you guide your razor. In the same way, self-awareness shows you what to focus on in your personal development. As your self-awareness grows, it becomes easier to become the man you were meant to be.
Text | Craig Wilkinson
Photography | Supplied and Worradirek
Force for Good: The Power of Healthy Masculinity by Craig Wilkinson, published by Penguin Random House SA, is available now. This excerpt is published by permission.
